I like boys

Especially singing boys…

but Luke Menard? Meh. I don’t see much of his tune. I come in right as Ryan is comparing him to Dawson’s Creek but he is NO DAWSON! *Hiiii James, I love your big old forehead, call me* Thankfully Luke looks as put out as I feel.

Oh, no, it’s Robbie Carrico or however you spell it. I missed him last week and I was hoping to miss him this week. Damn. The intro videos this week feature the question: “What would people be surprised to find out about you?” Um, is anyone surprised to find out Robbie is a drag queen?

Oh..wait, he said drag racing – yeah, my bad. I guess I’m marginally surprised.

His drag ass sings “Hot Blooded” and it leaves me cold. WHAT? I had to say it! It’s like, blogging law. Anyway…he’s sort of icky. Like that guy at the end of the bar who you’re pretty sure won’t shoot you but you’re not so sure he won’t lick your toes in bed – know what I mean? Also, what is with those giant hands??? Somebody on the human building assembly line done fucked up with those monsters.

Randy: need some “errrg” – oh thank Randy, real clear.

Though compared to Paula it’s a goddamn dissertation. She makes no sense! Babblebabblebabble. I totally pray at the alter of Paula.

Simon: vocal was ok. Really I think an apathetic critique from Simon is worse than a bad one. Cause he can’t even be bothered with you.

Since my lova Colton was booted, now I must cherish sweet Danny Noriega. Did you know – he was in a punk rock band?? I’m shocked! No, not really.

He’s totally cute! Look at his cardigan! and tight black pants! He’s so Ricky Vasquez, I like it. I also dig his voice. He sounds so mature and you wouldn’t expect that. The camera loves him.

Since I don’t care what the judges think on this one – I mute it and try to count how many times Paula eyeballs bounce around the room. It’s like 50.

Then I unmute just in time to hear him say “ish”!!!! OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod I say ‘ish’ ALL THE TIME! To the point of annoyance. I’m a gay teenager – ish! oooooh, Danny, put your fingers down – don’t make me hate you.

David Hernandez was a gymnast – oh yeah, shocking. He does realize he’s on American Idol and not American Gladiators, right? Cause gymnists and flutists are like the Smiths of Idoland.

He’s wearing a decent outfit and sings “Papa was a Rolling Stone”. I hate to admit it..but…he is sort of bringing it. I just don’t want to like him. The judges don’t say much so Ryan asks why the 70s were such a good time for music.

Paula: great…songs

Did anyone else think she was about to say drugs???

HOLY JESUS CHRIST WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME DAVID SILVER IS RUNNING WITH THE TERMINATOR????

Jason Yeager plays multiple instruments – badly. Awww he’s kind of a cutie. That hair has got to go though.

He discos – hee! I love the commitment but I don’t know this song. He doesn’t sound good and looks like an idiot. That worked for Danny’s man Taylor Hicks but I know the judges want to get away from that – it’s good television but terrible record sales. They all say it’s a stupid song and are really harsh.

Am I sick for wanting him to cry?

Look for this guy to go home – I predict.

Here’s another one I am determined to hate Chikezie – but then he tells a sweet story about how his name is actually an African name with a certain dialect. No one can pronounce it and a teacher just started calling him “Chikezie” so he went with it. That. is. adorable. Chikezie is so cuddly.

That neon undershirt could shouldn’t go by any name except “off”. or possibly “burn”.

He gets on stage and rocks pretty damn hard! After last weeks flop, he really pulls it out this week! Not that – you perverts!

The judges all love it. I’m not for back talking Simon but Chikezie gets in a good zinger.

David Cook is a word nerd. Is he, like, addicted to that scarf? Take it from my friend Ben Agee – signature items like this fucking scarf will get your ass beat in jail.

Arrrg, these stupid intros are endearing…oh thank god, his terrible song choice is curing whatever feelings I had for him. He sings “All Right Now”. He is a shitty guitar player and sounds dumb.

So you know the judges love it.

Randy: You’re the real rocker.

Paula compliments the band. Fucking Paula.

Simon: You’re solid but lack charisma. (or in other words, no one will like you)

They cut to his mother and grandmother thus proving Simon’s point.

Oh no, here he comes…hold on cause you are about to be buried in a mountain of cream…

David Archuleta – screeeeeeeeaaaaammm, faaaaaiiinnntt

His surprising fact? He is on camera singing to Kelly from Season 1, he’s 11. Good mother, I feel old. Or as Kelly puts it: I could have been his babysitter. Except Mrs. Archuleta, don’t hire her cause she will molest your boy. Or make him a man depending on your point of view.

He sings “Imagine All the People”. Ugh. I hate Lennon on his own even more than with the Beatles. But, I have to admit, he’s hands down the best male singer.

Really who cares what the judges think? He’s clearly a finalist.

cream, cream, cream

Oh, I miss Michael Johns who apparently had the good sense to acknowledge that singing a Fleetwood Mac song was dumb but didn’t have the sense NOT TO DO IT. Moron.

Oh! I also missed Castro. Damn, I wonder what his surpising fact was. I bet it involves patchouli and carpentry.