The Girls are Pretty but not Slutty – Too Bad

Ok so we now know that my man Colton and that weirdo Garrett have gone home. Why America? Why? Colton was so great. *sob* Bring him baaackkk. How could you let that flat haired buck toothed guy through and not Colty?

On the girl’s side Amy and Joanna went home but let’s see what landed them there.

IT’S AMERICAN IDOL – GIRL’S TURN

Which sounds dirty but it’s not.

Ryan is dressed as an undertaker to Paula’s mime. A regular Halloween episode of Roseanne these two. Anyway, Ryan prattles on about the flu, people being sick, waaaahhh. Of course then we have to hear the spiel about how being sick is not an excuse (except it so is, I mean, how many tours are canceled for laryngitis?).

I missed the first girl, who I believe was the doomed dooooomed! Amy Davis.

Next up was Joanna “I went Home” Borgella.

She kinda looks like J.Lo. but I hate her (not J.Lo, well, yes actually her too). I hate Lo2 because she pulls out the “want to touch lives” crap. Listen up…are you listening? Becoming a pop star does NOT touch lives. Rescuing animals, becoming a conjoined twins surgeon – these things, inspire and ‘touch’ people. American Idol just let’s them touch themselves as you bounce your generous boobays around the stage. Let’s be clear on this.

Anyway, Lo2 sings a passable version of “Say a Little Prayer”. Nothing special. She’s covered in velour, as if leggings and a top weren’t enough they threw on a jacket. Really, a jacket? Then tied it all together with a gold (blech) and snakeskin (bllleeeechhh) belt. Seeing as all the other girls appear to have decent outfits, I call “sabatoge!”

Awww, her parents are so very cute. The judges are meh about her. So she and her velour ruffles flop offstage. Bye bitch!

Here’s the Oklahoma girl – Alaina “Carrie Underwood is my Clone” Whitaker.

She’s blond, she’s bubbly and she’s broke. Next! Oh, she does appreciate her shoes though and they are great shoes.

She sings “Love your More Today” which is just a stupid corny piece of trash. She tries to get all attitude with it but this song isn’t really the song for that. This song is for turning off the radio. She starts out shit and finishes pretty strong but is shouty throughout. Randy loves it, Paula peers out from behind her flat ass hair and mumbles something. Simon thought it was good too. Once again, I’m at a loss. Do the judges even pay attention?

The token rocker Amanda “Mumbles” Overmyer -

What?

Randy: Like the trousers and the song

WHAT?

Paula: loved it!

WHAT?

Simon: like it…sort of

WHAT???

After that monstrocity and yes I include the hair in that description, we get Brooke White.

Mute. Sorry but I cannot handle this song.

Here comes Alexandrea “It’s DRAY_AH get it right” Lushington

Hee, I know a couple people who should have that last name and love it. She’s wearing a costume out of the Wiz. So, naturally Paula loves it. Come to think of it, I think Paula work this in her Opposites Attract video. Alex launches into Spinning Wheel. Yuck. She’s acting like she’s all high and shit. But with this song, what else are you gonna go?

I love the Bert slippers. Where’s Ernie??

She sounds pretty good but the band is overpowering here. She hits some cool notes. She did not:

Randy: blow the doors off!

Paula: take control

Then Alex “quips” with the judges and is massively annoying.

Next in line is Kady “Britney Spears” Malloy

She does a pretty decent Britney – to bad she sucks at being herself. She is boring but I really like her voice. She sings “Goovy Love”, I mean, ugh the 60s. Everything about it makes me want to hurl patchouli chunks.

She’s got a lovely dress, lovely hair, lovely make-up and lovely skin.

The judges hate her. But why? Who makes these decisions? I can’t believe it’s all the judges…

Asiah “Did I mention my Dad is dead. Cause he is. I have a dead dad.” Eperson

I read the blog of a guy who auditioned for Idol and he refused to talk about his mother’s cancer and was cut the next day. Coincidence? I think not. We remember Clay Aiken’s sob story right? And the constant hauling out of Fantasia’s little girl? This show feeds drama and I kind of get a little bit of hate for the contestants who let them. Asiah is all about Asiah make no mistake. She’ll Weekend at Bernies her dad all over this show and because of this I feel NO GUILT at pointing it out.

Anyway, with dead daddy over her shoulder peering through her gigantic earrings, she sings “Take it”. No seriously, Joplin. She is murdering Janis. Just…slaughtering it.

Brace yourself because my “understand the song” lecture is coming up. Contestants, please please please understand what you are singing. For example, Take It is not a happy jangling bouncing song about someone loving you, Asiah. It’s a song about angerly accepting that the person you want to love you is only going to hurt you and they are going to do it over and over again. Throwing your heart out, screaming on the floor, hating yourself, hating your lover…yet, kinda believing tomorrow will be different. Know what you are singing, I mean, honestly.

Her voice is pretty great though. The judges all like it, including Simon.

Following that is Ramiele “Little People, Big World” Malubay

She’s got this awesome sultry voice even if, at times, this key is too low for her. It’s so nice to see an alto in the top 24. Yay, altos! She looks great – hair, makeup and looovvve the shoes.

For once the judges are in agreement with me and send her off happy.

Syesha “WhyMesha” Mercado

She an actress – blech. Not a very good one though as she can’t fake liking the other girls. Better work on that technique bitch.

She sings “Tobacco Row”. Don’t you think Cartman should sing this song?? She’s ok but safe. Cool hair.

Randy: pitchy (no shit, really, randy?)

Paula: praises her consistancy

Simon: most talented (huh?)

Carly “Don’t Believe the Hype” Smithson

Meh. She sings “Shadow of Your Smile” and the synthesizer is off or something. Which is a prime example of why you don’t use synthesizers. Especially live.

Buh-bye.

I wish but the judge like it. Apparently, she’s the “thing” with all this “buzz” but I haven’t heard any of it and I, like, breathe idol gossip so I think this is yet another producer set up.

Here’s the ladies I missed

Kristy “Crazy Eye Action” Cook

Amy “Better Luck Next Life” Davis

Brooke “Bubbles are My Brains” White

Paula seal claps us out – see you next week!