American Eye Trolls

OK, so I missed the first half of the first 12. Because I have a baby people. And he needs basic care, like food and baths. Also, I kinda forgot the top 24 shows are 2 hours long. But I did get settled in at the halfway mark.

First, the outfits -

Ryan was wearing all black. Pretty appropriate considering the discussion around last season’s low ratings.

Randy is wearing something…I can’t be sure what…I can’t stop staring at his bizare mini-fu manchu. What the fuck Randy?

Paula’s got on some acrobat outfit but I wouldn’t count on her to make the catch. She is. HAMMERED!!

Simon is, of course, in some widely expensive tight t-shirt. With a butch cut. Man up cowboy.

IT’S AMERICAN IDOL!!!!

AND GOD DAMMIT THEY ARE HAVING A THEME NIGHT.

On the top 24? Already? Boooooo. And, oh god, please no. It’s the 60s. UGH. I hate the 60s. I pretty much hate anything before 1980 and for good reason. Thankfully the Beatles won’t release any of their copyrights so we don’t have to hear that. That’s right. I dislike the Beatles. Sue me. Raffi sings more coherent songs. 60s night *sigh*.

First up, or rather 7th up is Danny Noriega.

My Danny: Is he related to Manuel Noriega?

Me: Who?

Danny *giving the catch up stupid look*

Me: What? Oh what? I’m stupid because I don’t know who Manny Noriega is? What is he a singer?

Danny *starts laughing* then says, honest to god: Wikipedia it.

This man is about to get bitch slapped.

Turns out Manny Noriega is some CIA agent turned dictator turned TV chef (no not really but in my mind). What. Ever. If this kid’s last name had been Morita I would have been all over it.

Ok, back to Danny Morita/Noriega. We have to suffer through his stupid interview where he blathers on about being himself blah blah. Finally, we Danny in all his glory. Tight black pants, skinny tie, strutting like he owns the gayborhood. I love it.

Ewww, what’s that smell?? Um, it’s you.

Until… he starts singing Jailhouse Rock. Baarrrfff.

Danny: This song always makes me think of 6 Flags.

It’s a really poor song choice. He sounds ok but this song was not made to sound ok on. It’s made for thrown together higschool revues and the afore mentioned theme park.

Paula slurs her way through the critique. Something about being safe…yeah, keep that in mind as you drive home tonight sister.

Next up is Luck Manard. He tells us that he’s a carpet cleaner….in porn. I mean, seriously, carpet cleaners are not this good looking! He’s wearing a parka, indoors. Enough said there.

I have no idea what this song is. It’s like a bad Lifetime Original, minus Joanna Kearn. He sounds kinda shitty.

Randy: pitchy (he’s right), not great (again, so right).

Hi, I’m here to munch, I mean, clean your carpet.

Paula: baaad sshhong chooissse.

Simon advises him to stand out. He’s going to have a hard time with that cause he’s short too!

Moving on we get Colton Berry, which sounds like some kind of cereal for weightlifters. He’s like a vanilla Danny Noriega, Noriega Lite. And sometimes, you need a lighter lunch you know what I mean?

He’s so cute! He sings Suspicious Minds, which is one of two Elvis songs I actually love. “Can Help Falling in Love” is the other… He’s so good! And cute! Did I mention he was cute??? I. LOVE. HIM. Including his giant Sideshow Bob feet.

Oh Colton, if you were any where near this side of straight….

I’m not crazy about the hanging suspenders but whatever. I’ll need them to hang on if you get my drift – hee.

Who cares what the judges think on this hoettie.

Following Colton is the unfortunate Garret Haley. He’s been compared to Leif Garrett poor thing. Personally, I think he looks like Jodie Foster. You know, if she were pretty. Oh, god no! In his interview, he’s wearing a puca necklace! Ewwww, hahaha puca necklace wearer! But what do you expect from someone who sports a vest on national television.

But..if I cut my hair, where will the birds live?

Oh yeah, he sings something. Breaking Up is Hard to Do…in a reallllyy slllowww tempo. Zzzzzzz. Of course, the idiot audiance loves it. The judges think it’s too slow. And boring. Simon says the boy looks terrified and he does but Simon gets booed anyway.

Out comes Jason Castro, what’s with these names??? He’s a hippy. Who plays guitar, or at least strums a few cords. He sings Daydreaming Boy. I hate this song, it’s so stupid. But I have to admit, this guy is a good performer. Obviously the ladies love him, the top 12 girls are like cuming in their seats I swear. They keep wiggling around…

Randy: Pitchy (does the man know any other words?)

Snheee, hee, heeee

Paula: I’m hooked …hahahahaha

Simon: top 2 of the night, you got it.

DAMN, this guy is Ryan’s height too….weirrrdd..

Apparently, all the men are trolls. Little Seacrest-sized trollies. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan mandated this. His cohosts are notoriously dishing on what an ego he has, to the point of completely cutting out zombie Ryan Starr when she had some cohosting duties.

But Michael Johns cares nothing for that. He’s a 29 year old Australian. I think it’s cute how he thinks we might not vote for him because he’s an Aussie and not because he’s got that scarf on. He’s pretty cute but a little on the old side…

He sings Light My Fire the most famous non-Jim Morrison, Jim Morrison song. And in the background, fire of course. Real creative guys.

What? I can’t understand you…foreign dude.

I’m not impressed really but the judges are. Randy “loves it”. Paula said it was a “great ending” *snort* and Simon gives him props for being consistent. Like Jello.

Here’s who I missed but got to see in the quick numbers recap:

David Hernandez – meh.

Chikezie – not to be confused with Chik-fil-A

David Cook – he’s like the King of the Trolls

Jason Yeage – makes me want to yeack.

Robbie Carico – look, it’s one thing to be Silent Bob but looking like him is a whole other deal.

David Archuleta – fan favorite, not mine.

Look for David Cook and Robbie Carico to fall this week. That is, if there’s a god.