I like boys

Especially singing boys…

but Luke Menard? Meh. I don’t see much of his tune. I come in right as Ryan is comparing him to Dawson’s Creek but he is NO DAWSON! *Hiiii James, I love your big old forehead, call me* Thankfully Luke looks as put out as I feel.

Oh, no, it’s Robbie Carrico or however you spell it. I missed him last week and I was hoping to miss him this week. Damn. The intro videos this week feature the question: “What would people be surprised to find out about you?” Um, is anyone surprised to find out Robbie is a drag queen?

Oh..wait, he said drag racing – yeah, my bad. I guess I’m marginally surprised.

His drag ass sings “Hot Blooded” and it leaves me cold. WHAT? I had to say it! It’s like, blogging law. Anyway…he’s sort of icky. Like that guy at the end of the bar who you’re pretty sure won’t shoot you but you’re not so sure he won’t lick your toes in bed – know what I mean? Also, what is with those giant hands??? Somebody on the human building assembly line done fucked up with those monsters.

Randy: need some “errrg” – oh thank Randy, real clear.

Though compared to Paula it’s a goddamn dissertation. She makes no sense! Babblebabblebabble. I totally pray at the alter of Paula.

Simon: vocal was ok. Really I think an apathetic critique from Simon is worse than a bad one. Cause he can’t even be bothered with you.

Since my lova Colton was booted, now I must cherish sweet Danny Noriega. Did you know – he was in a punk rock band?? I’m shocked! No, not really.

He’s totally cute! Look at his cardigan! and tight black pants! He’s so Ricky Vasquez, I like it. I also dig his voice. He sounds so mature and you wouldn’t expect that. The camera loves him.

Since I don’t care what the judges think on this one – I mute it and try to count how many times Paula eyeballs bounce around the room. It’s like 50.

Then I unmute just in time to hear him say “ish”!!!! OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod I say ‘ish’ ALL THE TIME! To the point of annoyance. I’m a gay teenager – ish! oooooh, Danny, put your fingers down – don’t make me hate you.

David Hernandez was a gymnast – oh yeah, shocking. He does realize he’s on American Idol and not American Gladiators, right? Cause gymnists and flutists are like the Smiths of Idoland.

He’s wearing a decent outfit and sings “Papa was a Rolling Stone”. I hate to admit it..but…he is sort of bringing it. I just don’t want to like him. The judges don’t say much so Ryan asks why the 70s were such a good time for music.

Paula: great…songs

Did anyone else think she was about to say drugs???

HOLY JESUS CHRIST WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME DAVID SILVER IS RUNNING WITH THE TERMINATOR????

Jason Yeager plays multiple instruments – badly. Awww he’s kind of a cutie. That hair has got to go though.

He discos – hee! I love the commitment but I don’t know this song. He doesn’t sound good and looks like an idiot. That worked for Danny’s man Taylor Hicks but I know the judges want to get away from that – it’s good television but terrible record sales. They all say it’s a stupid song and are really harsh.

Am I sick for wanting him to cry?

Look for this guy to go home – I predict.

Here’s another one I am determined to hate Chikezie – but then he tells a sweet story about how his name is actually an African name with a certain dialect. No one can pronounce it and a teacher just started calling him “Chikezie” so he went with it. That. is. adorable. Chikezie is so cuddly.

That neon undershirt could shouldn’t go by any name except “off”. or possibly “burn”.

He gets on stage and rocks pretty damn hard! After last weeks flop, he really pulls it out this week! Not that – you perverts!

The judges all love it. I’m not for back talking Simon but Chikezie gets in a good zinger.

David Cook is a word nerd. Is he, like, addicted to that scarf? Take it from my friend Ben Agee – signature items like this fucking scarf will get your ass beat in jail.

Arrrg, these stupid intros are endearing…oh thank god, his terrible song choice is curing whatever feelings I had for him. He sings “All Right Now”. He is a shitty guitar player and sounds dumb.

So you know the judges love it.

Randy: You’re the real rocker.

Paula compliments the band. Fucking Paula.

Simon: You’re solid but lack charisma. (or in other words, no one will like you)

They cut to his mother and grandmother thus proving Simon’s point.

Oh no, here he comes…hold on cause you are about to be buried in a mountain of cream…

David Archuleta – screeeeeeeeaaaaammm, faaaaaiiinnntt

His surprising fact? He is on camera singing to Kelly from Season 1, he’s 11. Good mother, I feel old. Or as Kelly puts it: I could have been his babysitter. Except Mrs. Archuleta, don’t hire her cause she will molest your boy. Or make him a man depending on your point of view.

He sings “Imagine All the People”. Ugh. I hate Lennon on his own even more than with the Beatles. But, I have to admit, he’s hands down the best male singer.

Really who cares what the judges think? He’s clearly a finalist.

cream, cream, cream

Oh, I miss Michael Johns who apparently had the good sense to acknowledge that singing a Fleetwood Mac song was dumb but didn’t have the sense NOT TO DO IT. Moron.

Oh! I also missed Castro. Damn, I wonder what his surpising fact was. I bet it involves patchouli and carpentry.

The Girls are Pretty but not Slutty – Too Bad

Ok so we now know that my man Colton and that weirdo Garrett have gone home. Why America? Why? Colton was so great. *sob* Bring him baaackkk. How could you let that flat haired buck toothed guy through and not Colty?

On the girl’s side Amy and Joanna went home but let’s see what landed them there.

IT’S AMERICAN IDOL – GIRL’S TURN

Which sounds dirty but it’s not.

Ryan is dressed as an undertaker to Paula’s mime. A regular Halloween episode of Roseanne these two. Anyway, Ryan prattles on about the flu, people being sick, waaaahhh. Of course then we have to hear the spiel about how being sick is not an excuse (except it so is, I mean, how many tours are canceled for laryngitis?).

I missed the first girl, who I believe was the doomed dooooomed! Amy Davis.

Next up was Joanna “I went Home” Borgella.

She kinda looks like J.Lo. but I hate her (not J.Lo, well, yes actually her too). I hate Lo2 because she pulls out the “want to touch lives” crap. Listen up…are you listening? Becoming a pop star does NOT touch lives. Rescuing animals, becoming a conjoined twins surgeon – these things, inspire and ‘touch’ people. American Idol just let’s them touch themselves as you bounce your generous boobays around the stage. Let’s be clear on this.

Anyway, Lo2 sings a passable version of “Say a Little Prayer”. Nothing special. She’s covered in velour, as if leggings and a top weren’t enough they threw on a jacket. Really, a jacket? Then tied it all together with a gold (blech) and snakeskin (bllleeeechhh) belt. Seeing as all the other girls appear to have decent outfits, I call “sabatoge!”

Awww, her parents are so very cute. The judges are meh about her. So she and her velour ruffles flop offstage. Bye bitch!

Here’s the Oklahoma girl – Alaina “Carrie Underwood is my Clone” Whitaker.

She’s blond, she’s bubbly and she’s broke. Next! Oh, she does appreciate her shoes though and they are great shoes.

She sings “Love your More Today” which is just a stupid corny piece of trash. She tries to get all attitude with it but this song isn’t really the song for that. This song is for turning off the radio. She starts out shit and finishes pretty strong but is shouty throughout. Randy loves it, Paula peers out from behind her flat ass hair and mumbles something. Simon thought it was good too. Once again, I’m at a loss. Do the judges even pay attention?

The token rocker Amanda “Mumbles” Overmyer -

What?

Randy: Like the trousers and the song

WHAT?

Paula: loved it!

WHAT?

Simon: like it…sort of

WHAT???

After that monstrocity and yes I include the hair in that description, we get Brooke White.

Mute. Sorry but I cannot handle this song.

Here comes Alexandrea “It’s DRAY_AH get it right” Lushington

Hee, I know a couple people who should have that last name and love it. She’s wearing a costume out of the Wiz. So, naturally Paula loves it. Come to think of it, I think Paula work this in her Opposites Attract video. Alex launches into Spinning Wheel. Yuck. She’s acting like she’s all high and shit. But with this song, what else are you gonna go?

I love the Bert slippers. Where’s Ernie??

She sounds pretty good but the band is overpowering here. She hits some cool notes. She did not:

Randy: blow the doors off!

Paula: take control

Then Alex “quips” with the judges and is massively annoying.

Next in line is Kady “Britney Spears” Malloy

She does a pretty decent Britney – to bad she sucks at being herself. She is boring but I really like her voice. She sings “Goovy Love”, I mean, ugh the 60s. Everything about it makes me want to hurl patchouli chunks.

She’s got a lovely dress, lovely hair, lovely make-up and lovely skin.

The judges hate her. But why? Who makes these decisions? I can’t believe it’s all the judges…

Asiah “Did I mention my Dad is dead. Cause he is. I have a dead dad.” Eperson

I read the blog of a guy who auditioned for Idol and he refused to talk about his mother’s cancer and was cut the next day. Coincidence? I think not. We remember Clay Aiken’s sob story right? And the constant hauling out of Fantasia’s little girl? This show feeds drama and I kind of get a little bit of hate for the contestants who let them. Asiah is all about Asiah make no mistake. She’ll Weekend at Bernies her dad all over this show and because of this I feel NO GUILT at pointing it out.

Anyway, with dead daddy over her shoulder peering through her gigantic earrings, she sings “Take it”. No seriously, Joplin. She is murdering Janis. Just…slaughtering it.

Brace yourself because my “understand the song” lecture is coming up. Contestants, please please please understand what you are singing. For example, Take It is not a happy jangling bouncing song about someone loving you, Asiah. It’s a song about angerly accepting that the person you want to love you is only going to hurt you and they are going to do it over and over again. Throwing your heart out, screaming on the floor, hating yourself, hating your lover…yet, kinda believing tomorrow will be different. Know what you are singing, I mean, honestly.

Her voice is pretty great though. The judges all like it, including Simon.

Following that is Ramiele “Little People, Big World” Malubay

She’s got this awesome sultry voice even if, at times, this key is too low for her. It’s so nice to see an alto in the top 24. Yay, altos! She looks great – hair, makeup and looovvve the shoes.

For once the judges are in agreement with me and send her off happy.

Syesha “WhyMesha” Mercado

She an actress – blech. Not a very good one though as she can’t fake liking the other girls. Better work on that technique bitch.

She sings “Tobacco Row”. Don’t you think Cartman should sing this song?? She’s ok but safe. Cool hair.

Randy: pitchy (no shit, really, randy?)

Paula: praises her consistancy

Simon: most talented (huh?)

Carly “Don’t Believe the Hype” Smithson

Meh. She sings “Shadow of Your Smile” and the synthesizer is off or something. Which is a prime example of why you don’t use synthesizers. Especially live.

Buh-bye.

I wish but the judge like it. Apparently, she’s the “thing” with all this “buzz” but I haven’t heard any of it and I, like, breathe idol gossip so I think this is yet another producer set up.

Here’s the ladies I missed

Kristy “Crazy Eye Action” Cook

Amy “Better Luck Next Life” Davis

Brooke “Bubbles are My Brains” White

Paula seal claps us out – see you next week!

American Eye Trolls

OK, so I missed the first half of the first 12. Because I have a baby people. And he needs basic care, like food and baths. Also, I kinda forgot the top 24 shows are 2 hours long. But I did get settled in at the halfway mark.

First, the outfits -

Ryan was wearing all black. Pretty appropriate considering the discussion around last season’s low ratings.

Randy is wearing something…I can’t be sure what…I can’t stop staring at his bizare mini-fu manchu. What the fuck Randy?

Paula’s got on some acrobat outfit but I wouldn’t count on her to make the catch. She is. HAMMERED!!

Simon is, of course, in some widely expensive tight t-shirt. With a butch cut. Man up cowboy.

IT’S AMERICAN IDOL!!!!

AND GOD DAMMIT THEY ARE HAVING A THEME NIGHT.

On the top 24? Already? Boooooo. And, oh god, please no. It’s the 60s. UGH. I hate the 60s. I pretty much hate anything before 1980 and for good reason. Thankfully the Beatles won’t release any of their copyrights so we don’t have to hear that. That’s right. I dislike the Beatles. Sue me. Raffi sings more coherent songs. 60s night *sigh*.

First up, or rather 7th up is Danny Noriega.

My Danny: Is he related to Manuel Noriega?

Me: Who?

Danny *giving the catch up stupid look*

Me: What? Oh what? I’m stupid because I don’t know who Manny Noriega is? What is he a singer?

Danny *starts laughing* then says, honest to god: Wikipedia it.

This man is about to get bitch slapped.

Turns out Manny Noriega is some CIA agent turned dictator turned TV chef (no not really but in my mind). What. Ever. If this kid’s last name had been Morita I would have been all over it.

Ok, back to Danny Morita/Noriega. We have to suffer through his stupid interview where he blathers on about being himself blah blah. Finally, we Danny in all his glory. Tight black pants, skinny tie, strutting like he owns the gayborhood. I love it.

Ewww, what’s that smell?? Um, it’s you.

Until… he starts singing Jailhouse Rock. Baarrrfff.

Danny: This song always makes me think of 6 Flags.

It’s a really poor song choice. He sounds ok but this song was not made to sound ok on. It’s made for thrown together higschool revues and the afore mentioned theme park.

Paula slurs her way through the critique. Something about being safe…yeah, keep that in mind as you drive home tonight sister.

Next up is Luck Manard. He tells us that he’s a carpet cleaner….in porn. I mean, seriously, carpet cleaners are not this good looking! He’s wearing a parka, indoors. Enough said there.

I have no idea what this song is. It’s like a bad Lifetime Original, minus Joanna Kearn. He sounds kinda shitty.

Randy: pitchy (he’s right), not great (again, so right).

Hi, I’m here to munch, I mean, clean your carpet.

Paula: baaad sshhong chooissse.

Simon advises him to stand out. He’s going to have a hard time with that cause he’s short too!

Moving on we get Colton Berry, which sounds like some kind of cereal for weightlifters. He’s like a vanilla Danny Noriega, Noriega Lite. And sometimes, you need a lighter lunch you know what I mean?

He’s so cute! He sings Suspicious Minds, which is one of two Elvis songs I actually love. “Can Help Falling in Love” is the other… He’s so good! And cute! Did I mention he was cute??? I. LOVE. HIM. Including his giant Sideshow Bob feet.

Oh Colton, if you were any where near this side of straight….

I’m not crazy about the hanging suspenders but whatever. I’ll need them to hang on if you get my drift – hee.

Who cares what the judges think on this hoettie.

Following Colton is the unfortunate Garret Haley. He’s been compared to Leif Garrett poor thing. Personally, I think he looks like Jodie Foster. You know, if she were pretty. Oh, god no! In his interview, he’s wearing a puca necklace! Ewwww, hahaha puca necklace wearer! But what do you expect from someone who sports a vest on national television.

But..if I cut my hair, where will the birds live?

Oh yeah, he sings something. Breaking Up is Hard to Do…in a reallllyy slllowww tempo. Zzzzzzz. Of course, the idiot audiance loves it. The judges think it’s too slow. And boring. Simon says the boy looks terrified and he does but Simon gets booed anyway.

Out comes Jason Castro, what’s with these names??? He’s a hippy. Who plays guitar, or at least strums a few cords. He sings Daydreaming Boy. I hate this song, it’s so stupid. But I have to admit, this guy is a good performer. Obviously the ladies love him, the top 12 girls are like cuming in their seats I swear. They keep wiggling around…

Randy: Pitchy (does the man know any other words?)

Snheee, hee, heeee

Paula: I’m hooked …hahahahaha

Simon: top 2 of the night, you got it.

DAMN, this guy is Ryan’s height too….weirrrdd..

Apparently, all the men are trolls. Little Seacrest-sized trollies. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan mandated this. His cohosts are notoriously dishing on what an ego he has, to the point of completely cutting out zombie Ryan Starr when she had some cohosting duties.

But Michael Johns cares nothing for that. He’s a 29 year old Australian. I think it’s cute how he thinks we might not vote for him because he’s an Aussie and not because he’s got that scarf on. He’s pretty cute but a little on the old side…

He sings Light My Fire the most famous non-Jim Morrison, Jim Morrison song. And in the background, fire of course. Real creative guys.

What? I can’t understand you…foreign dude.

I’m not impressed really but the judges are. Randy “loves it”. Paula said it was a “great ending” *snort* and Simon gives him props for being consistent. Like Jello.

Here’s who I missed but got to see in the quick numbers recap:

David Hernandez – meh.

Chikezie – not to be confused with Chik-fil-A

David Cook – he’s like the King of the Trolls

Jason Yeage – makes me want to yeack.

Robbie Carico – look, it’s one thing to be Silent Bob but looking like him is a whole other deal.

David Archuleta – fan favorite, not mine.

Look for David Cook and Robbie Carico to fall this week. That is, if there’s a god.

Get ready cause here they come!

 Those idols, god bless em. It’s down to the top 24 and so I will begin watching. But I want to clear something up. Some FAQS if you will and I do:
1. Why do you not review the auditions and Hollywood?
Several reasons, the first being that it makes me very very uncomfortable. I’m one of those people who get embaressed for others. So the auditions are like being caught in a naked at school dream for me. For two hours. The second reason is that Paula is kept in reletive control during these things. If she’s not hopped up on booze, pills, powder or a combination than what is the point? As for Hollywood – I simply can’t keep up with all the people. I don’t want to invest my time in someone who isnt’ going to make it.

2. Why do you love American Idol so much?
I had this professor in college who claimed to read Whitman naked. So I tried it, I wanted to feel this burning turn on for the art, the poetry but unfortunately, I just felt itchy and cold. I mean, I love Whitman but he doesn’t inspire me to show ass. Idol, on the other hand…

3. What’s hoyay/boyay and why do you constantly talk about it?
Hoyay/boyay is subtle gay/lesbain erotica, often boiling right under the surface. So when I say Ryan and Simon are very hoyay, I mean that they are soooo close to discovering their love. Or at least the viewing audiences fantasy love. I constantly talk about it because I think hoyay is hohot. If you like massive doses of both ho and boyay check out Smallville. You will not be disapointed.

So, as we get ready to go into the season I hope you can sit back relax, get some wine and please, drop ya drawars….

it’s…AMERRRICAN IDOL!