Popular “Download” Night – oooh sounds so millenial

Which is totally better than old crap that I hate night!!!  Or country isn’t there another show for that night!!!  The Idol gods must have liked that offering I made to them because this week the Idols get to pick their songs.  Fuh-INALLY.  Also, it’s coming on the right night.

Anoop – First up – An(ew)p – oh he picked Usher, what a moron.  His voice sounds ok but he’s trying to be all sexy?  or something?  I don’t know, it’s making me feel uncomfortable.

Like, ok, this one time, in college, there was this frat rat and he was cute and all.  Then at a party he came up to me and pulled me to the dance floor and grinded my ass.   Gross!  I didn’t ask for an ass grinding jerk!  Anoop’s little performance is like that, except he’s grinding on my ears and my eyes.  Make it stop!

Noob totally rips him a new one!  Wow!  Love her!

And Paula! So tan!  By the end of this season she’s going to be a new Star Trek race.  hee, she uses the word balladeer then follows it up with complete nonsense.

Simon calls him a “wanna be” (totally true, totally true) and something about a bad frat performance – cut to his frat brothers acting like, well frat boys – which is too say, pretty damn drunk.

Then Anoop does the contestant kiss of death.  He gets pissy.  Don’t. get. pissy.   He’s all ‘I’m an R & B artist and blah blah blah Usher cakes blah blah America blah.”  Anoop.  Shut. tit.  Shutitirightonup.  Because, here’s the thing (to quote Noob) – there are many R & B artists that you could emulate.  Ugly Babyface comes to mind.  You don’t need to bump and wear shoulder chains like Usher because you can’t pull that off.  That’s what the judges were saying and you should have listened.  Lucky for you, Megan is up next.

Megan – So here it is, the song that got Megan booted.  And boy does it suck!  I’m clapping and bouncing on the couch, just enjoying the pure suck.  I like Megan cause she’s cute and she’s a mom but man, she just is not a performer.    Plus, she has no clue how bad she is.  Most contestants will get that worry line on their forehead when they are this bad but not Megan! Her voice sounds like she’s recording a Chipmunks soundtrack.

The amount of necklaces she’s wearing is insane!  Are you fleeing the Titanic or something?

Noob calls her “irritating”.  Daaaammmmn Noob where have you been all this time?

Paula suggest she digs deep – hee hee.  I don’t know why I laugh but it sounds dirty to me.

Then Megan does a series of annoying hand signals and buh bye.  Though I did tear up a little when she got to tell her little girl she was coming home and she seemed really happy about that.  Annnnd -

IDOL RANT INTERLUDE

You know what?  Idol really should take better care of the parents/children on this show.  I know Lil has managed to have her family there for some of it but Michael (kicked off), Alexis (kicked off) and Megan (kicked off) have all talked about the strain of being away from their babies.  Micheal seemed especially sad at having to try to explain to his 3 year old why he couldn’t come home.

And to say nothing of the children.  That 3 year old was seriously hurting.  Now you can make the argument that should these people make a record, land big then touring will take them away.  But – they aren’t big yet, they may never be big and it isn’t just about them but the kids.  Fantasia was a mom and a superstar so Idol should respect it because at the very least they may get a ton of money out of these parents.

Ok, that’s all – stepping down now.

IDOL RANT OVER

oooh tomorrow night they debut the David Cook video!  I’m so there.

Gokey – he picks What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flats.  This song is so stupid.

Yay!  Fan signage – Go Go Gokey.  Meh, pretty cute.  I think Gokey is Hokey is probably more accurate.

The songs is bad I think.  He’s drowned out by the background music and he, like Anoop is wearing chains.  Someone explain chains as accessories to me please.

The judges all love it.  I hate when that happens.  Then Gokey rambles on about the song and connecting and you know what?  Don’t lecture me Gokey.  You’re on American Idol that means you shut up, you wear chains and bad suits and you smile and then I vote for you.

Allison – Don’t Speak – oooooohhhh terrible song choice.  Damn, and I love Allison so much.  But she should have gone with Pink or Toni Braxton.  Am I right?

She sings good of course but it’s just simply the wrong song.  Though I applaud her cosplay hair.  And, unlike the judges, I like the outfit.  It’s got ruffles and is no worse than the chain wear and corset we’ve seen tonight.

This bad choice lands her in the bottom three but the judges make it pretty clear that if this happens again they will save her.  Good.  But senorita?  DON’T let this happen again.

Scott – YAY!  He picks Just the Way you Are and is going to “strip things down”.  mmmmm, strip.  He rocks it tonight.  It’s a lovely song and he’s a lovely singer.  I’m not sure if his voice is strong enough to take him to the finals but I do enjoy it.

His hair is a little stiff and, uh, that chest hair puff can go but overall  – I don’t know, he’s so appealing to me.  Even with his fang teeth.  I just -

I love you Scott.  Have I said that?  On Idol Tonight they asked the contestants what their first concert was and Scott was all, “Amy Grant when I was 6.” But not in an isn’t-that-embarrassing way more like an isn’t-that-fun-and-awesome way.  He’s unabashedly Amy Grant and that’s just so… I don’t know.  I love you Scott!  If I weren’t busy having my husband’s babies I would totally have yours!  I would!

Ok, ahem – judging.

Noob – “I love your new looks”  Uh, is she blind?  (hee).  I miss his old hair.

Paula reminds us all of his “challenge” while pointing out that he’s “challenged”.  Which, really, hasn’t seemed to be a big deal at all.

Matt – You Found Me by the Fray.  The who now? Poor Matt, so desperate, so vulnerable talking about being in the bottom three.  Must not be won over – must resist sympathy pull.

Oh, a keyboard in the audience and a suck song?  That should do it.  He’s mumbly, speak up Matt.  Or don’t cause this song is clearly awful.

The judges rip him.  But he’s not even in the bottom three.  Whatever.

Lil – singing I Surrender by Celine Dion.  Wow.  Interesting choice.

She comes out in some whore makeup – so far, so Celine.  What’s with the dress though?  Is the wardrobe budget in trouble or something?

Do I even need to tell you that her voice sounds powerful and great?  Cause it does.  This is a safe song for her.  Not that that’s a bad thing, especially  at this point.

The judges disagree, telling her to “young it up”.  But there’s such a market for a voice like Lil’s and no, it’s not Generation PepsiNext but who needs those illegal downloaders anyway?

Kris – Ain’t No Sunshine

He sounds good.  Generic – ugh, Idol director stop it with those red lights already.

I don’t have much to say about Kris.  He wiggles in his stool which is weird.  I just don’t see anything original or special in him.  Sorry.

Adam – I missed most of this on account of bath giving but in the playback it looked pretty cool.  I maybe going over to the dark side here.

But if he reapplies one centimeter of black eyeliner, that’s it.

EWWWW AI country week

It was 7:15 before I realized I was missing Idol.  I mean, all the family time dinnery stuff is nice but WTF self???  It’s IDOL!!!  So I ran into the living room and discovered I had only missed one person.  One person.  In 15 minutes.  They really like to drag this out don’t they.

Oh and look, it’s country week.  BOOOOO.  Randy Travis is the guest mentor.  Yuk.  Wow, he’s so skinny and square headed.  Has he always looked like this?

Second up, first for me is

Allison – Yay!  I’m so glad I didn’t miss her.  She’s singing Blame it on Your Heart.  Her voice sounds a little shakey but still pretty awesome.  What I take issue with is – the “look”.  I get that it’s country but damn, there is never EVER  a reason for feathered hair like that.  Let’s also talk for a minute about the dress over the jeans combo.  Ladies.  Dresses and jeans do not belong together.  Maybe hanging in the closet but never on your body.  The dress/jean combo is something a drunk college student wears when they go to the lake.

oooh, Paula is, like, super tan – even tanner than last week.

Kris – singing Garth Brooks.  Blech.  Garth is the worst.  I’m sorry but he is.  I worked as a mascot moose for a country station one year and my ears would literally bleed all day long thanks to Mr. Brooks.

Turns out the only thing worse than Garth is Kris.  Randy is totally flirting with him, calling Kris a Tender Dog.  At least Kris has the good sense to hate that.  He says that he’s glad Kris didn’t “imitate” Garth.

Danny:  Sometimes they don’t and they should.

Word, Danny.  Kris is using the prop chair (boo), is clean shaven (yay), boring (boo) and sounds real pop (boo/yay but in this case boo).

Paula’s tanning must have fried her brain cause she is really on a delayed schedule tonight.  Love it.

Lil – comes out in a pink hankerchief.  Great for giant sneezes, not so much for singing in.  She’s singing Independance Day and Randy comments that she’s got “big pipes on the top”.  Which is country for “boooooooobbs”, I guess.  Ugh, god country.  This dumb song encapsulates everything I hate about the genre – the twang, the “story”, the neverending sobbing – oh that last one was just me.

Lil has a strong voice though and hits an awesome last note.  Go Lil!  The judges aren’t really into it though.  Noob hands out some decent advice but Randy and Paula just babble.  Then comes Simon who calls her “little”.  Then continues to do it.  I’m sorry, I get that Simon is the jerk or whatever but not addressing someone by their proper name is just straight rude.

Adam – ah I see, he and Paula are in a tanning competition.  He looks horrible per usual.  Fingerless gloves, really Adam?  And that jacket.  They show some clip of Randy hating on Adam and being befuddled by the black fingernails.  Randy reveals himself to be either: 1. incredibly sheltered or 2. kind of an ass – I’m guessing a little of both – when he muses that he’s never seen a *gasp* man wearing nail polish.

Adam launches into a bizarre rendition of Ring of Fire.  It’s really just… I don’t know, creepy and weird and he sings it with zero sense of irony.  But he does do some insane stuff with his voice.

Yay!  The Paula Seal Clap.

Randy thinks it’s like 9 Inch Nails doing Ring of Fire and I totally totally disagree.  Simon says it was “indulgent rubbish” and he’s right.

mmmm, Bret Harrison.  The Reaper is on during Idol so I get quick Bret fixes on the commercials.

Scott – YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!  I was worried I missed him.  He sings Wild Angles which…sorry to say…is not a good song for him.  It’s pretty of course but a little flat.  It gets better at the end.

My god, is a stupid jacket a prerequisite for stepping on the Idol stage?  The crowd loves him and I do to.  I love you Scott.

Paula rambles about him needing to connect with the audience and get away from the piano.  Scott is all, “We can move it closer.”  Hahaha.  So cute.  I love you.  I love you Scott.

Alexis – ohhhh, trying Dolly Parton.  Eesh.  Alexis, let’s have a chat.  Girl, you know I like you with your cute daughter and your pink hair.  That hair is a little too poofy tonight but still – you’re cute.  So, Dolly huh?  Well, here’s the thing – you?  are NOT Dolly Parton.  Unless you can pack a combination of anger, self pity and a quiet strength into ONE word then god please do not attempt this song.

Bitch doesn’t listen and screws up Jolene big time.

My lord, what is with contestants pleading their case this year?  This isn’t Survivor.  If you want to stay around, then SING well enough to do it.

Danny – singing Jesus Take the Wheel.  Oh, Jesus.

Another jacket?  Jesus.  He’s cutely nervous but, jesus, do I hate this song.  Het tit.  The awkward rhymes, the story, the use of a grown woman saying “mama and daddy” – I mean, jeeeeeeebus.

hahaha, Fox likes it though.  He claps and goes, “yay!”.

Megan – Randy Travis seems a little doubtful but then gushes about her rendition of Walking After Midnight.  So I’m all stoked but…uh, it’s just kind of dumb.  She’s weird and does nothing to improve on the original.  The crowd loves it cause they too are dumb.

That dress is gorgeous though and her arm tattoo looks cool with it.

Ah, ok, she’s got the flu so we should all be impressed.  I bet the CDC is thrilled.

Matt – sings So Small.  I can’t understand him at all.  They compare him to Michael Buble – again, that’s not a good thing.

Paula is drifting….

So the two I missed (I missed another person while getting Fox ready for bed), I catch in the numbers recap.

Michael – real country

Anoop – seems like he sounded really good

Aaaaannnndd, breath. Country week is OVER!!

Who should go: Adam, Megan or Matt

Who will probably go: Anoop or possibly Lil

Who I want in the finals: Allison and Scott

American Idol = my salvation

So since I blogged last we *sob* downgraded to antenna.  Horrors!  Well, turns out it was too awful for words and we upgraded to basic cable – still sobbing.  All of this included stupid fees and annoying phone calls leading me to believe that Cox Cable is an good name for that company.

Hate. them. so. much.

Not that there’s anything to watch on tv.  I would watch Burn Notice (yummmmy) but also, USA is not basic cable even though it should be by god!  *shakes fist at sky*

Lost is just dull.  Fringe should be good but isn’t.  I’m ok with the Office but it’s only half an hour…so what else is there?  Oh, right Heroes but meh.

Until this moment I’ve been keeping alive on the meager offerings of Friday Night Lights – don’t go Jason Street!! Lylah will be insufferable without you!!

But now Idol has gotten through the hellacious Hollywood rounds and the boring narrowing down the field rounds and we are here with the top 13.  13?  Ugh.

Anyway, the lights come up and the judges appear!!!  Except without all the extra exclamation points cause it was not that exciting.  Randy looks like himself only in pleather.  Then there’s the new lady, wrapped up like a present.  I hope it’s worth it.  I don’t even know who she is so I’ll just call her Noob.  Here comes Paula!  Hooray, she’s shown up with a slaughtered bird of paradise perched on her shoulder.  Simon.

Our flight attendant host for this two hour ratings booster is, as always, Ryan Seacrest.  Let me get this out there right now.  I think that Ryan does a good job.  He’s a good host.  I like him.

Paula is waaaayy to sober.

There’s some prerequisit blabbering blah blah blah cakes.  It’s Michael Jackson week – I would say yay but it doesn’t really turn out like I hoped.  I didn’t realize that along with Bad and Billie Jean – MJ also wrote/sung/produced a bunch of crap.

Then we get to meet our first contestant as they visit home states!  I wonder when the economy will get bad enough that instead of visiting the contenstants at their home, they’ll just flash a baby picture and be done with it.

Lil Rounds – no that’s really her name.  They show her adorable little family and supportive husband and I’m loving them all until they start on about “the dream”.  Zzzzzzz.  I long for the days of Jason Castro who had no brain cells much less a “dream”.

She sings “The Way you Make me Feel” and it’s pretty good.  She’s got a rich voice, strong sound.  It almost makes me forgive her super high, unflattering white pants and that shirt that someone barfed cotton candy all over.

The judges are polite but not super impressed.  Paula applauds Lil’s fashion sense…so maybe she IS high?!?

Blind Scott – in case you haven’t figured it out already.  Scott is my favorite.  Oh, and he’s blind.  In case you didn’t know, he is.  Blind, I mean.  Let’s go visit his family and hear how they talk about him being blind.  blind blind blind.  His sister?  Also blind and the parents seemed honestly befuddled at how that happened but why after all this time?  Oh dream talk.

Scott and his hair are seated at a piano.  Which he plays beautifully and is kind of why I love him, along with his big (blind) eyes and his weird smile that makes me want to climb up on his piano and peer over the edge and  – ok, enough, I’m sorry!

My love dims slightly when he sings some song I’ve never heard of.  GOD DAMMIT DO NOT SING OBSCURE SONGS!!!  He sounds good and appears to be wearing an army jacket or something?  I don’t know, in that light I can barely see him – irony!

Danny:  He sounds like Ben Folds.  Totally, Ben Folds.

Is that a good thing?

Judges love it but Simon tells him not to sing songs no one knows, even if you want to be ‘artistic’.  Preach it.

Danny Gokey – totally as dorky as his name sounds.  His family is all about singing and he goofs off.  Cute, I guess? He sings P.Y.T. – the world’s creepiest MJ song.

It’s high energy and he’s pretty adorable but I don’t know…kind of sucky.  Of course, the judges love him.  Next!

Michael Sarver – he’s an oil rigger with…wait for it…a dream.  I know.  It’s all so so incredibly boring even though he’s kind of witty.  He sings “You are Not Alone”  baaaarrrrrfffff.  Can anyone hear this song without thinking of the video?

Boring. I think he’s on the line to go home.

Jasmine Murray – oooh, pretty shirt/dress thing!  Her family is just normal even her stage mom.  Pity.

She sings “I’ll be There” – if I had anything left to barf I would.  But I wasted it all on Michael.  Thankfully she does not suck.  Her voice is pretty and light if a little warbly.  She’s no finalist but she’ll stick around for a few weeks.  YES, Randy we all know you know Mariah Carey – god, that’s not necessarily something to be bragging about.

Kris Allen – hmm, shares a first name with a certain North Pole resident.  He’s the “hot” one but I don’t think he’s really that hot.  I miss his home visit cause I was parenting, sorry.

He sings “Do you Remember the Time”.   He sounds ok, the guitar adds nothing but at judging it’s revealed that he is a good guy.  Oh, ok.

Alison Iraheta – grew up singing in a giant spanish-speaking department store and something in that made her awesome!  Her hair, I want it on my head.  I also want her alto voice, it’s all throaty and low and she completely rips apart “Give in to Me” in a good way.  Yes!

Judges agree.

Anoop Desai – I missed him on account of toddler, but in the voting number replay I see he sang “Beat It”.  Good choice but nothing strikes me as particularily memorable.

Jorge Nunez – he’s from Puerto Rico and wants to bring his family together, aw.  He sings “Never Can Say Goodbye”.  It’s a fairly passable MJ impression but I don’t hear Jorge’s own sound coming through.  I hope he stays cause I think he’s got more in him.

The judges think it was the wrong song choice.

Megan Corkey – she’s mom too and she misses her baby!  Wah!  She’s so relatable!!  Sniff.

Then she opens her mouth to sing “Rockin Robin”.  Seriously?  Someone actually chose this song?  Ugh, sympathy over.  It’s weird, weird, weird.  Very awkward and not a good sound.  Simon chalks it up to being the wrong song, I chalk it up to sucking but being cute so she’ll probably get another chance.

EWWWWW, who let Pete Wentz into the building??? Oh wait, it’s just Adam Lambert, our next greasy ass contestant.  I wonder if Trent Reznor ever regrets cutting his hair like that – seriously, that do has become the goth man’s Rachel.  Adam has been in Hollywood for five years and not gotten a record deal.  SHOCKING!

He’s singing “Black and White” a brave choice.  I begin to have video flashbacks.  So remember around the time this Black and White video came out Aerosmith put out the Livin’ on the Edge video?  With Eddie Furlong?  Oh my god, and it was so awesome.  And Eddie and his fat friend steal a car and they crash it and then they jump around like they won the superbowl and then they come to my house and the friend plays nintendo while Eddie takes his shirt off – remember how cool that was?

Oh, song over.  The judges really like him, even going so far as to wonder why he hasn’t been snatched up.   Boo.

Matt Giraud – he’s got a weepy dad.  He’s singing “Human Nature”, lame.  Sigh.  This guy is a poor man’s Justin Timberlake and no, that’s not a good thing.

Alexis Grace – another mommy.  Wow, Fantasia really opened the door for parents didn’t she?  You didn’t see any parents (or if they were they didn’t talk about it) before Fantasia proudly showed off her cute daughter and her single mommy skills.  I like it.  Hee, she teaches her daughter to say “Seacrest. Out.”

She sings “Dirty Dinah” and I’m there with her.  Her voice is soulful and she throws herself into the song.  But at the end she’s got this smug look and I agree with the judge, probably Simon who said, “It wasn’t as good as you thought it was.”

But, it was good.

Yay!  Tomorrow group sing!!!

God, NOOO, WHY???

I know I’ve been like really lax with this blog. I need to get a TiVo. I talked with Danny about maybe dropping to basic cable and at the same time we both just laughed.

But what I discovered yesterday is NO laughing matter. People, the 4400 has been canceled. How can they do this to me? I must know if Tom will take Promicine. I MUST see another Chad Faust deshirtment. Will they finally kill off Diana and Maya to make me happy?

God, writers had to strike. Suck balls.

Since X-files there hasn’t really been any decent SciFi shows. I can’t do Battlestar cause it’s just too much. I hate space drama and yes, that includes Star Trek with the exception of Generations which had Data. Mmmm, Data.

I don’t get Dr. Who cause I’m not drunk and British.

Eureka is just a little too quirky for me. Taken was awesome but it was just a miniseries. So basically I’ve been living off Quantum Leap reruns.

Then came 4400. I can’t let it go. What will I watch in the summertime?

Here’s the wikipedia article including the information to put pressure to bring back the show.

It’s the thee-atuh dahlings…

So get it right!

Finally, I was able to watch and relish a full night of Idol.  Granted it was interrupted by conversations like this.

Me: Danny? Danny! DANNY!

Danny: What?

Me: Get the baby, he’s going into the bathroom because you didn’t shut the fucking door.  (yeah, working my language is going really well.)

Danny: God, sorr-

Me: GET THE BABY AND SHUT UP IT’S DAVID ARCHULETA!!!

I can be a real bitch sweetheart when it comes to my Idol time.  And what an Idol time it was.  It was Andrew Lloyd Webber night!  I love that creepy Brit!!!  Also, his musicals.  I’m a sucker for musicals.  They have it all, dancing, singing, costumes, gay men – it’s heavenly.  Plus I’m glad that Idol is finally acknowledging that Broadway is a feasable career move for these guys.  Hello Clay!  Hello Constantine!  Hello Tamra!

First up was Sayesha and her workshop clips annoyed me.  God she’s like a giant puff of annoyness.  Mainly, I hate her “assertion” that she’s an actress.  But she chooses a really good song.  And works it.  This probably saved her ass.  Florence Mills would have pulled it off in heels.  I’m just saying.

Then we have sweet charming Jason Castro singing Memories.  Wait?  WHAT?  Hahaha, oh Jason you moron.  Even Lord Webber is like, wtf?  Um, this should be interesting.  Then Castrated interviews that he had no idea the song was sung by a cat.  Seriously Jason?  Are you HIGH?  Oh…  Predictably he sounds like total shit.  He knows it.  He also knows his suit looks like something cartoon animals wear when they try and dress up in order to be quirky.  Next!

It’s cutie pie David Archulta singing Think of Me.  God, I love this song.  I love this song.  And I love what he does with it.  Because he’s smart enough to realize that he’s a teenager and probably doesn’t have the experience to sing it the way it was intended so he changes it.  Smart move, you should have written Brooke a memo.  It sounds great and the advice to open his eyes – spot on.  To bad he’s too boring to have an actual career.  Yeah, I said it.

Then the Brooke sings that song from Evita and butchers it.  Just…ok, my issue isn’t with the starting over.  Though I agree it was a stupid move.  Because Idol voters are looking for an excuse not to like you.  Forgetting the lyrics and being obvious about it?  You amatuer!  My issue is that she has no idea what she’s singing about, even though Webber layed it out for her.  She’s shaking her skraggly mane and trying to look serious.  But..this song is about admitting vunerability which was the hardest thing for Eva Peron to do.  It’s about asking someone to love you and stay by you even though you can’t necessarily love them the way you’re demanding, even though you will probably treat them badly because that’s your nature you still need them to just love you and only you.  So it’s a pretty heavy song and she sucks.  Go home.

I despise Carly and I despise her version of this song.  The dress is not cool, it makes me want to crawl inside a kaleidoscope and die.  Why do these judges love her so much?

Finally we have David.  Where are all the decent fan signs by the way?  There’s one that says David Cook Rocks.  How unoriginal.  I would have gone with David Cooks or something.  He’s singing Music of the Night.  Blech.  I’m alone in this I know but this song is just corney.  Corn-nay.  I do applaud him for being the fugly one on the show yet still choosing a song sung by a man who’s so hideous he wears a mask and who seduces a drunk broken hearted chick with low self esteem by singing this lame ass song.  Come to think of it – that’s exactly how frat guys do it!!  Except instead of masks they were matching haircuts and instead of songs they talk about whatever stupid book they’re pretending to read.  Wow, Phantom is totally a musical about date rape and the greek system!  Awesome.  David does a good job.  I think he’s safe.

I like boys

Especially singing boys…

but Luke Menard? Meh. I don’t see much of his tune. I come in right as Ryan is comparing him to Dawson’s Creek but he is NO DAWSON! *Hiiii James, I love your big old forehead, call me* Thankfully Luke looks as put out as I feel.

Oh, no, it’s Robbie Carrico or however you spell it. I missed him last week and I was hoping to miss him this week. Damn. The intro videos this week feature the question: “What would people be surprised to find out about you?” Um, is anyone surprised to find out Robbie is a drag queen?

Oh..wait, he said drag racing – yeah, my bad. I guess I’m marginally surprised.

His drag ass sings “Hot Blooded” and it leaves me cold. WHAT? I had to say it! It’s like, blogging law. Anyway…he’s sort of icky. Like that guy at the end of the bar who you’re pretty sure won’t shoot you but you’re not so sure he won’t lick your toes in bed – know what I mean? Also, what is with those giant hands??? Somebody on the human building assembly line done fucked up with those monsters.

Randy: need some “errrg” – oh thank Randy, real clear.

Though compared to Paula it’s a goddamn dissertation. She makes no sense! Babblebabblebabble. I totally pray at the alter of Paula.

Simon: vocal was ok. Really I think an apathetic critique from Simon is worse than a bad one. Cause he can’t even be bothered with you.

Since my lova Colton was booted, now I must cherish sweet Danny Noriega. Did you know – he was in a punk rock band?? I’m shocked! No, not really.

He’s totally cute! Look at his cardigan! and tight black pants! He’s so Ricky Vasquez, I like it. I also dig his voice. He sounds so mature and you wouldn’t expect that. The camera loves him.

Since I don’t care what the judges think on this one – I mute it and try to count how many times Paula eyeballs bounce around the room. It’s like 50.

Then I unmute just in time to hear him say “ish”!!!! OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod I say ‘ish’ ALL THE TIME! To the point of annoyance. I’m a gay teenager – ish! oooooh, Danny, put your fingers down – don’t make me hate you.

David Hernandez was a gymnast – oh yeah, shocking. He does realize he’s on American Idol and not American Gladiators, right? Cause gymnists and flutists are like the Smiths of Idoland.

He’s wearing a decent outfit and sings “Papa was a Rolling Stone”. I hate to admit it..but…he is sort of bringing it. I just don’t want to like him. The judges don’t say much so Ryan asks why the 70s were such a good time for music.

Paula: great…songs

Did anyone else think she was about to say drugs???

HOLY JESUS CHRIST WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME DAVID SILVER IS RUNNING WITH THE TERMINATOR????

Jason Yeager plays multiple instruments – badly. Awww he’s kind of a cutie. That hair has got to go though.

He discos – hee! I love the commitment but I don’t know this song. He doesn’t sound good and looks like an idiot. That worked for Danny’s man Taylor Hicks but I know the judges want to get away from that – it’s good television but terrible record sales. They all say it’s a stupid song and are really harsh.

Am I sick for wanting him to cry?

Look for this guy to go home – I predict.

Here’s another one I am determined to hate Chikezie – but then he tells a sweet story about how his name is actually an African name with a certain dialect. No one can pronounce it and a teacher just started calling him “Chikezie” so he went with it. That. is. adorable. Chikezie is so cuddly.

That neon undershirt could shouldn’t go by any name except “off”. or possibly “burn”.

He gets on stage and rocks pretty damn hard! After last weeks flop, he really pulls it out this week! Not that – you perverts!

The judges all love it. I’m not for back talking Simon but Chikezie gets in a good zinger.

David Cook is a word nerd. Is he, like, addicted to that scarf? Take it from my friend Ben Agee – signature items like this fucking scarf will get your ass beat in jail.

Arrrg, these stupid intros are endearing…oh thank god, his terrible song choice is curing whatever feelings I had for him. He sings “All Right Now”. He is a shitty guitar player and sounds dumb.

So you know the judges love it.

Randy: You’re the real rocker.

Paula compliments the band. Fucking Paula.

Simon: You’re solid but lack charisma. (or in other words, no one will like you)

They cut to his mother and grandmother thus proving Simon’s point.

Oh no, here he comes…hold on cause you are about to be buried in a mountain of cream…

David Archuleta – screeeeeeeeaaaaammm, faaaaaiiinnntt

His surprising fact? He is on camera singing to Kelly from Season 1, he’s 11. Good mother, I feel old. Or as Kelly puts it: I could have been his babysitter. Except Mrs. Archuleta, don’t hire her cause she will molest your boy. Or make him a man depending on your point of view.

He sings “Imagine All the People”. Ugh. I hate Lennon on his own even more than with the Beatles. But, I have to admit, he’s hands down the best male singer.

Really who cares what the judges think? He’s clearly a finalist.

cream, cream, cream

Oh, I miss Michael Johns who apparently had the good sense to acknowledge that singing a Fleetwood Mac song was dumb but didn’t have the sense NOT TO DO IT. Moron.

Oh! I also missed Castro. Damn, I wonder what his surpising fact was. I bet it involves patchouli and carpentry.

The Girls are Pretty but not Slutty – Too Bad

Ok so we now know that my man Colton and that weirdo Garrett have gone home. Why America? Why? Colton was so great. *sob* Bring him baaackkk. How could you let that flat haired buck toothed guy through and not Colty?

On the girl’s side Amy and Joanna went home but let’s see what landed them there.

IT’S AMERICAN IDOL – GIRL’S TURN

Which sounds dirty but it’s not.

Ryan is dressed as an undertaker to Paula’s mime. A regular Halloween episode of Roseanne these two. Anyway, Ryan prattles on about the flu, people being sick, waaaahhh. Of course then we have to hear the spiel about how being sick is not an excuse (except it so is, I mean, how many tours are canceled for laryngitis?).

I missed the first girl, who I believe was the doomed dooooomed! Amy Davis.

Next up was Joanna “I went Home” Borgella.

She kinda looks like J.Lo. but I hate her (not J.Lo, well, yes actually her too). I hate Lo2 because she pulls out the “want to touch lives” crap. Listen up…are you listening? Becoming a pop star does NOT touch lives. Rescuing animals, becoming a conjoined twins surgeon – these things, inspire and ‘touch’ people. American Idol just let’s them touch themselves as you bounce your generous boobays around the stage. Let’s be clear on this.

Anyway, Lo2 sings a passable version of “Say a Little Prayer”. Nothing special. She’s covered in velour, as if leggings and a top weren’t enough they threw on a jacket. Really, a jacket? Then tied it all together with a gold (blech) and snakeskin (bllleeeechhh) belt. Seeing as all the other girls appear to have decent outfits, I call “sabatoge!”

Awww, her parents are so very cute. The judges are meh about her. So she and her velour ruffles flop offstage. Bye bitch!

Here’s the Oklahoma girl – Alaina “Carrie Underwood is my Clone” Whitaker.

She’s blond, she’s bubbly and she’s broke. Next! Oh, she does appreciate her shoes though and they are great shoes.

She sings “Love your More Today” which is just a stupid corny piece of trash. She tries to get all attitude with it but this song isn’t really the song for that. This song is for turning off the radio. She starts out shit and finishes pretty strong but is shouty throughout. Randy loves it, Paula peers out from behind her flat ass hair and mumbles something. Simon thought it was good too. Once again, I’m at a loss. Do the judges even pay attention?

The token rocker Amanda “Mumbles” Overmyer -

What?

Randy: Like the trousers and the song

WHAT?

Paula: loved it!

WHAT?

Simon: like it…sort of

WHAT???

After that monstrocity and yes I include the hair in that description, we get Brooke White.

Mute. Sorry but I cannot handle this song.

Here comes Alexandrea “It’s DRAY_AH get it right” Lushington

Hee, I know a couple people who should have that last name and love it. She’s wearing a costume out of the Wiz. So, naturally Paula loves it. Come to think of it, I think Paula work this in her Opposites Attract video. Alex launches into Spinning Wheel. Yuck. She’s acting like she’s all high and shit. But with this song, what else are you gonna go?

I love the Bert slippers. Where’s Ernie??

She sounds pretty good but the band is overpowering here. She hits some cool notes. She did not:

Randy: blow the doors off!

Paula: take control

Then Alex “quips” with the judges and is massively annoying.

Next in line is Kady “Britney Spears” Malloy

She does a pretty decent Britney – to bad she sucks at being herself. She is boring but I really like her voice. She sings “Goovy Love”, I mean, ugh the 60s. Everything about it makes me want to hurl patchouli chunks.

She’s got a lovely dress, lovely hair, lovely make-up and lovely skin.

The judges hate her. But why? Who makes these decisions? I can’t believe it’s all the judges…

Asiah “Did I mention my Dad is dead. Cause he is. I have a dead dad.” Eperson

I read the blog of a guy who auditioned for Idol and he refused to talk about his mother’s cancer and was cut the next day. Coincidence? I think not. We remember Clay Aiken’s sob story right? And the constant hauling out of Fantasia’s little girl? This show feeds drama and I kind of get a little bit of hate for the contestants who let them. Asiah is all about Asiah make no mistake. She’ll Weekend at Bernies her dad all over this show and because of this I feel NO GUILT at pointing it out.

Anyway, with dead daddy over her shoulder peering through her gigantic earrings, she sings “Take it”. No seriously, Joplin. She is murdering Janis. Just…slaughtering it.

Brace yourself because my “understand the song” lecture is coming up. Contestants, please please please understand what you are singing. For example, Take It is not a happy jangling bouncing song about someone loving you, Asiah. It’s a song about angerly accepting that the person you want to love you is only going to hurt you and they are going to do it over and over again. Throwing your heart out, screaming on the floor, hating yourself, hating your lover…yet, kinda believing tomorrow will be different. Know what you are singing, I mean, honestly.

Her voice is pretty great though. The judges all like it, including Simon.

Following that is Ramiele “Little People, Big World” Malubay

She’s got this awesome sultry voice even if, at times, this key is too low for her. It’s so nice to see an alto in the top 24. Yay, altos! She looks great – hair, makeup and looovvve the shoes.

For once the judges are in agreement with me and send her off happy.

Syesha “WhyMesha” Mercado

She an actress – blech. Not a very good one though as she can’t fake liking the other girls. Better work on that technique bitch.

She sings “Tobacco Row”. Don’t you think Cartman should sing this song?? She’s ok but safe. Cool hair.

Randy: pitchy (no shit, really, randy?)

Paula: praises her consistancy

Simon: most talented (huh?)

Carly “Don’t Believe the Hype” Smithson

Meh. She sings “Shadow of Your Smile” and the synthesizer is off or something. Which is a prime example of why you don’t use synthesizers. Especially live.

Buh-bye.

I wish but the judge like it. Apparently, she’s the “thing” with all this “buzz” but I haven’t heard any of it and I, like, breathe idol gossip so I think this is yet another producer set up.

Here’s the ladies I missed

Kristy “Crazy Eye Action” Cook

Amy “Better Luck Next Life” Davis

Brooke “Bubbles are My Brains” White

Paula seal claps us out – see you next week!

American Eye Trolls

OK, so I missed the first half of the first 12. Because I have a baby people. And he needs basic care, like food and baths. Also, I kinda forgot the top 24 shows are 2 hours long. But I did get settled in at the halfway mark.

First, the outfits -

Ryan was wearing all black. Pretty appropriate considering the discussion around last season’s low ratings.

Randy is wearing something…I can’t be sure what…I can’t stop staring at his bizare mini-fu manchu. What the fuck Randy?

Paula’s got on some acrobat outfit but I wouldn’t count on her to make the catch. She is. HAMMERED!!

Simon is, of course, in some widely expensive tight t-shirt. With a butch cut. Man up cowboy.

IT’S AMERICAN IDOL!!!!

AND GOD DAMMIT THEY ARE HAVING A THEME NIGHT.

On the top 24? Already? Boooooo. And, oh god, please no. It’s the 60s. UGH. I hate the 60s. I pretty much hate anything before 1980 and for good reason. Thankfully the Beatles won’t release any of their copyrights so we don’t have to hear that. That’s right. I dislike the Beatles. Sue me. Raffi sings more coherent songs. 60s night *sigh*.

First up, or rather 7th up is Danny Noriega.

My Danny: Is he related to Manuel Noriega?

Me: Who?

Danny *giving the catch up stupid look*

Me: What? Oh what? I’m stupid because I don’t know who Manny Noriega is? What is he a singer?

Danny *starts laughing* then says, honest to god: Wikipedia it.

This man is about to get bitch slapped.

Turns out Manny Noriega is some CIA agent turned dictator turned TV chef (no not really but in my mind). What. Ever. If this kid’s last name had been Morita I would have been all over it.

Ok, back to Danny Morita/Noriega. We have to suffer through his stupid interview where he blathers on about being himself blah blah. Finally, we Danny in all his glory. Tight black pants, skinny tie, strutting like he owns the gayborhood. I love it.

Ewww, what’s that smell?? Um, it’s you.

Until… he starts singing Jailhouse Rock. Baarrrfff.

Danny: This song always makes me think of 6 Flags.

It’s a really poor song choice. He sounds ok but this song was not made to sound ok on. It’s made for thrown together higschool revues and the afore mentioned theme park.

Paula slurs her way through the critique. Something about being safe…yeah, keep that in mind as you drive home tonight sister.

Next up is Luck Manard. He tells us that he’s a carpet cleaner….in porn. I mean, seriously, carpet cleaners are not this good looking! He’s wearing a parka, indoors. Enough said there.

I have no idea what this song is. It’s like a bad Lifetime Original, minus Joanna Kearn. He sounds kinda shitty.

Randy: pitchy (he’s right), not great (again, so right).

Hi, I’m here to munch, I mean, clean your carpet.

Paula: baaad sshhong chooissse.

Simon advises him to stand out. He’s going to have a hard time with that cause he’s short too!

Moving on we get Colton Berry, which sounds like some kind of cereal for weightlifters. He’s like a vanilla Danny Noriega, Noriega Lite. And sometimes, you need a lighter lunch you know what I mean?

He’s so cute! He sings Suspicious Minds, which is one of two Elvis songs I actually love. “Can Help Falling in Love” is the other… He’s so good! And cute! Did I mention he was cute??? I. LOVE. HIM. Including his giant Sideshow Bob feet.

Oh Colton, if you were any where near this side of straight….

I’m not crazy about the hanging suspenders but whatever. I’ll need them to hang on if you get my drift – hee.

Who cares what the judges think on this hoettie.

Following Colton is the unfortunate Garret Haley. He’s been compared to Leif Garrett poor thing. Personally, I think he looks like Jodie Foster. You know, if she were pretty. Oh, god no! In his interview, he’s wearing a puca necklace! Ewwww, hahaha puca necklace wearer! But what do you expect from someone who sports a vest on national television.

But..if I cut my hair, where will the birds live?

Oh yeah, he sings something. Breaking Up is Hard to Do…in a reallllyy slllowww tempo. Zzzzzzz. Of course, the idiot audiance loves it. The judges think it’s too slow. And boring. Simon says the boy looks terrified and he does but Simon gets booed anyway.

Out comes Jason Castro, what’s with these names??? He’s a hippy. Who plays guitar, or at least strums a few cords. He sings Daydreaming Boy. I hate this song, it’s so stupid. But I have to admit, this guy is a good performer. Obviously the ladies love him, the top 12 girls are like cuming in their seats I swear. They keep wiggling around…

Randy: Pitchy (does the man know any other words?)

Snheee, hee, heeee

Paula: I’m hooked …hahahahaha

Simon: top 2 of the night, you got it.

DAMN, this guy is Ryan’s height too….weirrrdd..

Apparently, all the men are trolls. Little Seacrest-sized trollies. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan mandated this. His cohosts are notoriously dishing on what an ego he has, to the point of completely cutting out zombie Ryan Starr when she had some cohosting duties.

But Michael Johns cares nothing for that. He’s a 29 year old Australian. I think it’s cute how he thinks we might not vote for him because he’s an Aussie and not because he’s got that scarf on. He’s pretty cute but a little on the old side…

He sings Light My Fire the most famous non-Jim Morrison, Jim Morrison song. And in the background, fire of course. Real creative guys.

What? I can’t understand you…foreign dude.

I’m not impressed really but the judges are. Randy “loves it”. Paula said it was a “great ending” *snort* and Simon gives him props for being consistent. Like Jello.

Here’s who I missed but got to see in the quick numbers recap:

David Hernandez – meh.

Chikezie – not to be confused with Chik-fil-A

David Cook – he’s like the King of the Trolls

Jason Yeage – makes me want to yeack.

Robbie Carico – look, it’s one thing to be Silent Bob but looking like him is a whole other deal.

David Archuleta – fan favorite, not mine.

Look for David Cook and Robbie Carico to fall this week. That is, if there’s a god.

Get ready cause here they come!

 Those idols, god bless em. It’s down to the top 24 and so I will begin watching. But I want to clear something up. Some FAQS if you will and I do:
1. Why do you not review the auditions and Hollywood?
Several reasons, the first being that it makes me very very uncomfortable. I’m one of those people who get embaressed for others. So the auditions are like being caught in a naked at school dream for me. For two hours. The second reason is that Paula is kept in reletive control during these things. If she’s not hopped up on booze, pills, powder or a combination than what is the point? As for Hollywood – I simply can’t keep up with all the people. I don’t want to invest my time in someone who isnt’ going to make it.

2. Why do you love American Idol so much?
I had this professor in college who claimed to read Whitman naked. So I tried it, I wanted to feel this burning turn on for the art, the poetry but unfortunately, I just felt itchy and cold. I mean, I love Whitman but he doesn’t inspire me to show ass. Idol, on the other hand…

3. What’s hoyay/boyay and why do you constantly talk about it?
Hoyay/boyay is subtle gay/lesbain erotica, often boiling right under the surface. So when I say Ryan and Simon are very hoyay, I mean that they are soooo close to discovering their love. Or at least the viewing audiences fantasy love. I constantly talk about it because I think hoyay is hohot. If you like massive doses of both ho and boyay check out Smallville. You will not be disapointed.

So, as we get ready to go into the season I hope you can sit back relax, get some wine and please, drop ya drawars….

it’s…AMERRRICAN IDOL!